I loud Sammie

Ahhhhh...Woman it's fine! You're going to be fine. Just think of it like this. When you write that stuff, you are letting your emotions flow from you, but your source of release is a pen. that's healthy man. Writing that stuff out helps you. Then you don't just hide it. You show it to people who you care about. And because you do that that shows that you are strong.

You are HEALTHY! You aren't bottling it up. That's good. You have a source of release. Never lose that becuase when you lose that, then you are more likely to lose yourself.

Shit Happens

As a child we have this fantasy world. We eat crayons, jump on the bed, run in circles till we get dizzy. The world is our playground, our endless playground. Life as a child is real but it also is like living in a cave. As Plato says in his Allegory of the Cave "The prisoners are unable to see these puppets, the real objects, that pass behind them. What the prisoners see and hear are shadows and echoes cast by objects that they do not see. Such prisoners would mistake appearance for reality. They would think the things they see on the wall (the shadows) were real; they would know nothing of the real causes of the shadows." So as children our reality's && perception's are based upon our 'shadows' or what our family tells us && shows us. Then as we hit the blessed age of 18 it changes. We see the whole world && now we aren't sure what to think or say or do. Our perceptions are thrown askew. We've escaped the 'cave' so to speak. && then we go crazy trying to figure things out. While we're doing that life gives us things that as children we didn't know we'd have to face. && here i am right now at that age of 18 staring friends leaving, molestation, && mom issues right in the face. Now I simply don't know what to say other then 'i'm lost'. Not lost in where I want to go in life, just lost. Lost trying to figure out how to be strong. I want to be strong && get through this but I am not all knowing. I will not pretend that I am just to prove something. That is not the not the person I am. Everything is simply happening so fast && I don't know what to do about it. Things are getting infected && I have no cure. So if you ask me "Are you okay?" My answer will be this "Yes, i'm fine but I just came out of the cave"

August.24.2011.Last.Of.Me.

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me.

She's leaving Sunday && this sucks. I don't even know what to do. I'm no stranger to pain, believe me. When I moved last year I missed my friends && I know how it feels && I know it'll eventually not hurt as much I just wish it didn't suck so much.

Then Sammie is leaving soon && I can't even think about that right now or else I probably just curl into a corner for a couple days. I just don't know what to do people are all leaving && moving on && i'm not.

Then there's the issue with my mom. I'm not mad at Becca at all it's just frustrating that my mom just gives her so much money && it took me weeks to beg her for money. It's ridiculous!

I'm just frustrated. Regardless of that though.

You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me.

Upside. 8.10.2011

I can't even wait.

Kristen is coming on Thursday FINALLY! I'm so excited i've been trying to get her to come visit me for over a year and i'm so excited. She's finally coming to my house here in Kuna.

We are going to do crazy things together and I get to show her how awesome it is here. I can't even tell you how excited I am.

We've been friends for about 9 years now and she is probably the best friend I could ever ask for! Granted we do have a history of fights and everything but because of those fights and since those fights we've gotten stronger and closer. I love Kristen so much, she is my crazy ass, ying to my yang, moonshine, kim possible buddy. (:

I can't even wait.

Not even thinking. 8.10.2011

I didn't even realize I would miss her so much.

Danni and I went to the park today and it didn't hit me till we started having shoe throwing contests and whoing at an owl. We were so stupid spending so much time fighting when we could have been doing stuff together before she leaves. She's moving to Arizona and it's really going to suck. Even thinking about her makes me wanna just break down into tears. I'm going to miss her so much. Then when we got in the car she checked the back seat for serial killers/zombies like she always does and it made me smile.

Dropping her off really hit me hard. As I drove up to her house I realized it was going to be for the last time and she got out of the car and I just started crying on the way home.

I realized I wasn't going to be able to call her when I wanted to dance in the rain, have a dance party, dress crazy before driving to family dollar for toilet paper, go get coffee, listen to oldies music, play Sing Star, borrow a book, or even when I just wanted to have a party.

I didn't even realize I would miss her so much.

18 && movin' on...

Blonde pigtails with a slight cur.

Terrified blue eyes.

She sits in the dark too scared to move.

Her imagination crowded with monsters.

Little blue tears roll down her cheeks as she opens her mouth and screams

"Mommy!" And mommy, awoken by her cry, comes to the rescue.

As a new adult I stare at the world and the choices to be made and it's all I can do to keep myself from screaming mommy.

Because like that little girl I'm scared and I just want mommy to rescue me.

the obsession of dance

New Death

Standing on the cold hard wintery ground she stared unbelieving at the tiny casket. Her fingers curled around a tiny rose as tears started to slip slowly down her cheeks. What a short life, to be taken so quickly back home. Then all in the same day she drives along a lonely road, thoughtful and sad, to the place of death and birth.
She gazes quietly into the new baby's eyes holding back tears of joy. Where one young life is taken another is given.

Will you be my sister?

Tears tease the corners of my eyes. Wanting to run paths down my face as I stare blankly out the car window.
I arrive at the spot where you are. All I want to do is have you hug me while I cry. All the while you'll reassure me it'll be okay; but then I see your face. The despair and pain I see, as my mother drives off, makes my pain fly back to the dark corners of my mind.
you become what I worry about, I don't care about myself anymore.
I quickly wrap you into a huge hug and let your sadness stain my jacket.
I don't ask why until you're ready to tell me. All I'm thinking is how much I want to kill whoever did this to you.
I guide you quietly over to some grass and we sit down. Your tears are gone now; but I still see the pain and despair in your green eyes. You finally tell me, words tumbling out of your mouth as that sadness comes back and we end up crying together. You for your pain and me for your pain also. My own pain is no where to be seen.

Black as my Horse

Wind rushes through my hair whipping it around to my face. The horse I'm riding canters to a stop. As my heart starts thudding. I see the despair on his face. I don't wanna do it, I can't but then everything comes crashing down I have to do it. The horse starts up to a gallop again as I walk away from him.
The idea that I'm free should make me happy. Now that I'm away from him...should make me happy also. But instead I feel pain and sadness. I try not to cry as the clouds start swirling into a storm and I'm left alone. Out in an open field I let the rain slowly trickle down my face. I close my eyes enjoying the rain as much as I can just gathering up the moment. Sitting bare back, soaking wet, on a slick black stallion.
Black as my heart.

Rocks

Struggling to see the other side where light shines and there are no tears. I squint in the darkness as the light on the other side grows dim. Fear envelopes me as fog clouds my vision. The tears start to trail down my face once more as the light becomes a speck. No hope left in me I crumble onto the grassless bank. Where nothing is bright and happy and despair closes in. It's brighter on the other side that is no longer visible.

Growing Loathing.

Chained up inside my anger swells wanting to break free. Screaming as tears angrily run their course down my face. My eyes burn with absolute loathing I don't want to hate him, I just do. The beast inside me growls. As the glass in my hand shatters, blood starts streaming through my fingers. I grow numb and don't even notice, blinded by hate and fear. Tears mixing with blood as I bring my hand to my face in shame.

(no title)

A pale white orb let it's rays drift through the sudden fog. Then all at once the white orb was gone. White swirled around her, not knowing where to turn she collapsed into oblivion. All identity, purpose, and hope seeped from her body into the snow beneath her cold frozen body. Her soul lost to the pale white orb...

Dark night

She sat staring at the moon her little crescent of hope. Her hands caressed the little black cell phone, that connected her to the one person who could fill her life with joy right. But they didn't call or text...She felt like all hope was gone if her best friend was shut off from her then the whole world was.

Protective Arms

Calming breath and loving silence. There's no tension in the air. No knives ready to stick in each others backs. Our tears mix, combining our pain. Feeling the others heartbreak, we stand strong through the struggle because we have each other to help us face the world. Gripping each others hand for the strength we know they have. There's an undeniable, unseen connection between us. One of understanding, friendship, love, and sisterhood. Through it all, our strong connection becomes tangible and gets us through.

me..

Distract me. I'm afraid.
Of what?
The unimagined...

Presence

It lingers like a ghost,
teasing my tears.
They threaten to spill over,
your presence is gone.
I don't cry over you,
because I hate you.
I don't wish things were different,
because they don't need to be.
I just wish you never existed,
because your presence lingers
like a ghost.
And I hate the fact that
I miss you, only because
I miss someone caring for me
the way you did.

Kindred Friendship

Staring at the daunting task of seizing the world, I link my hand with hers. We steal courage from each other, using that courage to stir up our imaginations.
We become five and six again standing in a meadow full of joy and freedom. I turn to her and say
"race you" she nods with a grin on her face and starts running across the soft grass over the hills. My little legs race to catch up to her. Butterfly's dance around us as we collapse into a field of flowers. Drinking in the beautiful scent I spot a swing. Bursting with energy I stand up grabbing her hand as I do.
"look a swing" I say pulling her onto her feet. She says
"let's go" before she starts skipping. Our interlaced fingers pull me into a skip too. With pink faces from the wind we sit on the swing. Putting my arm around her shoulders, she places hers on my waist. With our other hands we hold on, then start to swing with our feet.
A calamity of mixed up emotions suddenly pushes on us and the meadow dissolves into the world once more. There we stand ready to face the world, knowing that nothing can break our forever kind of friendship.

Anthem

(Written at a swim meet)
You can smell the chlorine in the air and taste the water in you're blood.
The blood that was shed to bring you to where you are today.
United we stand divided we crumble.
Racing to touch the time pad before the other teams.
Fremont.
Layton.
Davis.
Bountiful.
One thing unites you through the competition.
FREEDOM.

Gouden

Standing up from his work he took a swig from a sticky Pepsi bottle. Feeling the cool liquid run down his parched throat he wiped the sweat from his brow. Putting his Pepsi bottle back in the dirt to wait till he was tired once more from the digging. He picked up the worn handle of his shovel with his calloused hands to begin searching the cruel dirt for water again.

Lost

Darkness seeped into the corners of her mind.
Questions swirled around in her thoughts.
"Is she lying?"
"Are they deceiving me?"
"Do they not care?"
The darkness started clouding her thoughts.
Her vision getting hazy she lays down on the carpet,
but it doesn't feel like carpet.
It feels like ice, cold and unfeeling, it bites at her skin.
Shivers run up and down her spine.
Her last thoughts before she slips into unconsciousness are
"My whole life's been a lie. When I finally trust them,
I turn around and I've been stabbed. Why?"
Taking her last breath of air she slides
into the black hole they've dug for her.

Before Me

(I wrote this for Whitney, she's amazing.)
Who is this women before me with an amazing voice for how things should be and how they are? With an amazing ability to connect words so they flow aimlessly across the page. Who is this girl who can make me want to laugh and cry at the same time? Who knows me inside and out.
While I'm this broken piece of nothing trying to find my way in the dark...who is this girl? Is she my own brand of Heroin or is she my Heroine?

UnEmotional...

The tears come unbidden, unasked. Sliding down her face caressing her cheek. Troubles and challenges closing in and threatening to suffocate her. She lays staring at her ceiling, unmoving, unfeeling. A blank expression on her face she cry's silent tears of pain. Unknown to the cruel world that just keeps going. She feels UnEmotional.

Double Half

My body feels torn in two, I'm leaving behind half my heart. Watching the country pass by as I drive along. Growing up in two homes I've always felt a little torn. Finally the reality really slams into me as I leave my dad's house, I'm leaving half my heart in a little town called Kuna. The thought makes me sad my heart, my double half, has never been full.